or My Octopus Teachings
Which title do you prefer?
My Octopus Teachings
Wanderings in the Valley of Shadows
Perhaps last week you read about my experience of 'instant karma' at the Miyazu Gardens (Road Rage in the Zen Garden)? If not, you might like to start there, or if you like me, find that stories have a tendency to wind in and out of time - then maybe you're at the right starting point. You can always jump to the Zen Garden story when so inspired.
I've decided I'll return to walking. I may not be ready to climb a mountain at this stage in my recovery from chronic pain and fatigue; but I am certainly ready to crest the top of the valley. That's more than I've been confident to do in perhaps a decade. The truth is I haven't felt this good for 30 years. This a story of returning from a dark night of the soul; even as I faced the greatest loss of my life. This is a story of me finding my feet, and being reborn through the simple act of breathing, and connecting to my self, and the Self within. It's a story of a return to joy.
I live in a special spot; nestled up a valley with a long history of suffering. Through my wanderings and reflections, I'm exploring it's history, it's current reality, and it's future. I hold in possibility that this place continue to hold space for those who are in a dark night; to reconnect with themselves, to that which is greater, and to others, so that they may reconnect with joy and with the potential that lies within.
I headed out with Byron just before the first lights began to emanate from behind the hills, just in time to hear the tūī song (second sound file is a compilation of snippets I recorded during the walk; you're also hearing Orphanage Creek rushing after an intensely rainy Saturday) after many days of trying to get out to hear the tūī, but with them skilfully eluding us.  Tūī are normally the first to break the night's silence and into song. The song is so ethereal it finds a way into the dream space.
Yesterday I walked alone in the storm. Today I walked with my husband of 30 years. Thank you Byron for heeding the call to wake in the wee hours to join me in my explorations. I'm grateful to be able to share something so dear to me with you. It's wonderful to get to know each other in this phase of life beyond the edges of family life.
I'm also thanking you for seeing me as I settled into the telling of the story. Your generosity in picking up the tasks of daily living, the cooking and vacuuming, was a burden lifted that freed me to be present to the story that was birthing through me. I so appreciate you. I know I don't speak it enough, and I'm sorry, I will try to be more fluent in my giving thanks. Thank you for speaking to me in your love language of service.
Look closely into the dark, on the hill above the old road. Do you see them, just to the left of the lamp post? Stag and his herd. I first saw them yesterday when I came to the top of the road. There are seven of them if I'm counting right.
I love symbolism, it often connects me to subconscious awarenesses that come to light when I allow the images to speak to me. I particularly enjoy reading the messages of the animals and plants; as I was taught to do by a dear friend and teacher from Boise Idaho, Suzanne Lewis. Suzanne shared much wisdom with me as a newlywed and new mum in a new land. Suzanne was one of a crew of sisters that babysat for Byron as a child, a friend of the family from far back.
Suzanne held me in support when I was bringing my daughter to life; helping me face shadows that kept me in fear of seeing old patterns repeat as I walked the path of mothering two little ones. She assisted in ushering my beautiful Aurora into this world. Her name chosen by her big brother when I could no longer allow her to carry the name I'd initially planned for her, Moira; meaning dark, sorrowful, mournful. A new name was needed and it was her loving brother who brought it forth. And so she came out of the darkness into the light.
Suzanne studied with Native American medicine teachers, and is a luminous spirit, connected to Earth and Sky. She carried me into dream-space to connect me to the animal spirits. She connected me to sky spirits that guided me and held me in protection as I learned to work with energy, and with releasing pain from bodies in suffering as I became a massage therapist, and Reiki practitioner. She took me on walks to connect with the plant medicines as I began my explorations around herbal medicine. Thank you Suzanne, for all that you awakened me to, your legacy lives on in me and so many others.
I'd also like to shout out to Barbara Bashan of Boise, with whom I studied deep intuitive massage. Barbara taught me to feel, to connect, and to be present with the connective tissue and with the whole person. She held me in trust allowing me to become adept at bodywork rapidly as she took me under her wing. I couldn't have asked for a better teacher to birth me into the world as a healing and helping professional. Thank you Barbara, you are forever in my heart.
My thanks to all my teachers from Boise, those that taught me at the Idaho Institute of Holistic Studies, my friends who guided me in life lessons, my extended circle as a young bride entering the folds of a new clan. To my beloved mother-in-law who passed too soon. You tended to me with so much kindness and generosity after the birth of my first born and beyond. The kingfisher in the gum tree sings for you.
Back to the wanderings and the herd of deer:
After first seeing this herd yesterday as I wandered up the valley in the wind and rain, I was curious as to their symbolic message. First I got quiet, and asked to see what I might already know within me. A song come to mind that had revealed to me recently. I recalled the song, and approached ever closer, trying to project the message in the song through my body language;
Trigger warning: this song is intense, if your trauma is close to the surface, you may prefer to go with greater ease. The rest of the songs will meet you in a gentle approach, move on by.
Interestingly, I first read the message for deer, which is very different to stag. Deer spirit is gentle, I sensed the message was about allowing ourselves to be supported by the herd. In reading the message in my Spirit Animal Oracle deck; the message, "Bring a gentle touch" underpins the lesson they teach, according to this interpretation. They ask us to be diplomatic in our dealings with others. Okay, I'll take that on, that speaks.
That same lesson came to me last week with Mr. Octopus, I'm listening. I'm working on softening my tongue, learning to speak kindness; rather than being in protection and ass-uming others are ready to speak harshly to me and heading it off with a sharp tongue.
The book later fell open to Stag; ah, there's another message for me, "Take the lead." Ooh, that one's a bit scary. I've preferred to stay in the shadows. I tiptoe around my wellness centre, Koru Centre adeptly staying out of sight as I tend to everything, ensuring that all those that come to teach, to support others, and to be supported; have everything they need to provide them a net of safety while they heal. Koru holds space for many that are in the grips of acute and cumulative trauma. It's space that I feel deeply called to hold.
I've been feeling the call to step up my leadership, I hear you Stag, I heed your call to be Sure, Strong, and Compassionate. I will do my best to model integrity in all I do and in all my relations. I will step into the transformations that are ready to arise from within. I'm humbled by your words, "The best in you is coming into view as you step forward with strength, knowing that Spirit supports you as you compassionately take the lead. You are a model for transformation now, sharing your experience, strength, and hope with others so they may grow and discover their best selves too." Yeah, that's kinda spooky given that my other business is Best Self. I'm listening. As I type this, the lyrics sing, "Hope is an Action!" So I am taking action, to the best of my ability.
This is something that my incredible mentors at The Institute for Woman-Centered Coaching had prepared me well for. I am proud to say that I am on the road to mastering self-leadership. I am unleashed in my creative inspiration. Dr. Claire Zammit, Dr. Jana Smith, Dianna Hankin, Danila Szekely, my Radiant Spirits practice group, and so many other magnanimous women in this deep and transformative process of revealing our hidden identities, breaking them down to see them clearly, and rebuilding our forward facings paths to create the life that we choose to live. We learned to become catalytic in our ability breathe the life into our dreams.
A powerful teacher in the space of communication came to Byron and I in the past couple of years; Irma Jager, Compassionate Communication (aka NVC or Nonviolent Communication) trainer. Irma has guided us in learning to speak the language of love that Marshall Rosenberg developed in the 1960s through involvement in the civil rights movement. He was a peaceful warrior, his weapons compassion, clear communication, and simple steps to learn to speak peace. I'm forever grateful. Byron and I wouldn't have made to 3 decades, and grown closer as friends without the massive contributions of these radiant humans have made.
I have learned the skills, I now commit to deepening into the application of them in my everyday interactions. Irma regularly runs workshops as well as offering 1:1 sessions. She will skilfully guide you to learn to name your feelings, identify your needs, and make requests of others so that you may be empowered to live a life more wonderful, just as Marshall envisioned.
Back to the wanderings;
Now to the herbs that called to me as we walked. Yesterday I was delighted to be introduced to the heavenly scent of holly in flower. As I'm not able to link a scent, I guess you'll have to wander out into the world to find a holly tree in blossom for yourself. You'll never forget it if you can capture it!
The next herb I came across was poroporo. This native New Zealand tree/shrub was used by Maori for many applications, most notably soothing the skin. You can read the energy medicine of this nurturing healer below.
I also received a direct teaching from digitalis today, she taught me not to be so hasty, and to be more humble. Yesterday I collected a leaf. I incorrectly named it as comfrey. I simply moved too quickly, failed to slow down enough to take note of the differentials. Today when I reached the top of the road I came upon the plant pictured in the bottom centre, digitalis in flower. Oh, that was the leaf I collected yesterday, which I thought to be comfrey. Ooops, that could have been bad if I had any intention to use the herb for anything beyond popping it in a vase to accompany the sweet blossoms I'd collected. I was so excited by getting reacquainted with all the plants, that I didn't stop to confirm my identification. I'll make sure to find some comfrey leaf before it's in bloom to contrast the two so I won't be fooled again.
My gatherings of the day remind me of the importance of communing with the nature sprites, and listening to direct knowledge as Franchelle Ofsoske~Wyber of First Light Flower Essences taught me when I studied at Wellspring (unfortunately rumour has it they closed - I can't find a page anymore so perhaps there's some truth there). Thanks Dean for the reminder. It was great to catch up with you and to see you stepping onto the path of plant medicine.
I'd also like to give a shout out to another exceptional teacher I came across at Wellspring in Auckland, where I studied for half a year ahead of transferring to and completing my training as a naturopath and medical herbalist with a Bachelor of Science in Complementary Medicine from South Pacific College of Natural Medicine.
Franchelle Ofsoske~Wyber of First Light Flower Essences is truly a master. She has intuited the medicine of 185 plant medicines native to New Zealand. The remedies she has created are potent energy medicine that also meets the need for walking lightly, or shall I say tiptoeing, on this Earth as they are simple flower essences. I hope to study the essences one day, but am up to my elbows in courses at the moment.
Click on the image for another song to calm and sooth. Mothers by Emory Hall & Trevor Hall
Back to the wanderings...
This valley, the Ngawhatu Valley, was home to Ngawhatu Hospital and Orphanage. The extensive buildings are long gone now, with just a few junk piles left behind following the fire that destroyed the last of them. I will note here that this area is not open for public access. Living in the neighbourhood does lead to certain privilege, for which I am grateful.
If you clicked the above links, you will have learned that the hospital was an extensive facility for those suffering from mental illness as well as disability. There were numerous buildings up two connected valleys. I've been told by the previous head caretaker of the grounds that at one time there were 30 full time gardeners to keep the place up. It's like living in an arboretum, with giant sequoias, old oaks, gum trees, cedar...too many to mention. Perhaps thats another project, identifying and cataloguing all the trees up here. Hmmm...
Development of our neighbourhood began just shortly before we bought our first house in the valley, on Sunningdale Drive, which we purchased in 2011 when we first moved to Nelson. We moved immediately following completion of my naturopathic training. That was a whirlwind, and a story for another day. Another story for another day had us sell that house, and move into Nelson CBD, into my wellness centre to shelter from the storms of life until the next chapter was ready to unfold.
I could go on all sorts of tangents, but what I'm trying to get to is the story about the Ngawhatu Valley. The story as told by those that came before. The story of Wheke, the octopus.
Apologies in advance for any mispronunciation; while I was born in Dunedin, NZ; my family moved to the US in 1972. I lived there until 2006 when I returned to my homeland to rejoin my father who had returned, and later my brother as well. My mother and sister remain in the States, such is the condition of the modern family, split by oceans. I'm called to share my whakapapa in my next post, you might consider subscribing to hear more. Dad has been tracing the family genealogy, I've become keen to learn more now. I think there are some interesting conversations with Dad on the horizon.
I'm excited to have an opportunity to learn the language of the land, Te Reo, along with Byron in 2025. Knowing the language will tie me to my own history as well as that of the people. I imagine my readings will be greatly enhanced. For now, I'm doing the best I can to attempt not to butcher the language as badly as Te Wheke was butchered in this epic battle.
We live in the valley where Kupe cleaved and killed Te Wheke. The impact of this wounding is reflected in the history of the valley. Ngawhatu valley has been considered haunted by generations past and present.
The boys orphanage, a place for motherless children, operated from 1886 to 1919. It was turned over to be operated as hospital for the mentally ill and disabled following closure of the orphanage. The history of the valley, housing the lost, the fogotten, and those in the grips of the shadow self is imbued in the very foundations of this place. Living here is truly a blessing in disguise. The energy behind the wound that fell Te Wheke, is now a healing salve. This octopus's garden is alight with treasures offered to us by nature to sooth a sorry soul. I feel I've been called to this valley to help to heal the sorrows of the past and lay the ground for a future alight with hope and healing.
Click the image above (my single nod to AI) to hear a song to help sooth the soul after that rather intense story. I know the little girl in me is needing some soothing over, I imagine you might too.
Everything else contained in this story/blog post is as it happened. The images are untouched, sound files are actual, recorded on site. I believe in this day when we are constantly faced with disbelief, fantasy, and artificial murmurings, that we need to connect to what is real.
What is real is that this valley exists, I've lived here for 13 years. It's been connected to octopus all that time, through the ancient stories. Apparently there is a stone somewhere up here that is the eye of the octopus. I had no idea until today. Freaky, right?! Maybe one day I'll stumble into it, or have someone come forward to share more depth of knowledge with me, it would be an honour.
My Octopus Reflections:
Octopus lives in the depths of the ocean, they are solitary creatures, having no childhood, ejected out into the world without the benefit of handed down knowledge from mother or father. Imagine if they were reared for years like we've been. Yikes, take me to your leader!
The only time octopus is in close communion with another is when they mate, otherwise, they are on their own. That speaks to me. I spent an enormous amount of time alone as a kid, playing in the streets or rollerskating in my basement. I had to hide in the depths from a rage that was seemingly unable to contain itself. In many ways I felt I raised myself, often feeling like a motherless child.
The truth is that my dear mum was in overwhelm and rather alone herself. She moved across the oceans, away from her sister and mother and extended family and community to support her. As I write this I feel a pang of guilt for outing her. I'm sorry Mum, I love you. Yet this is all part of my story, a truth that is calling out to come forth. A truth that wants to be heard in order to heal the generations from suffering this disconnection.
I didn't believe my mother loved me. I never heard the words until I was grown and a mother myself. I'm sure they were felt, the tears when we part tell me that. Yet I didn't receive the nurturing I would have liked as a child. I learned to be resilient like the octopus. I learned to hide myself away, my tender body and soul so that no one could harm me. I walled off my heart, and learned to camouflage myself so as not to be seen, it wasn't safe to be seen. Sometimes, like Wheke in our story, I came out to the shallows, made myself visible, and attempted to interact with humans, only to be attacked in some way as I didn't quite understand the rules of interaction. I'd draw back to my shadowy cave, sooth myself, to regenerate after the battle wounds; with Reiki, or music, dance, dreaming, working; anything to keep the loneliness at bay.
I learned to wear a mask so that others wouldn't see my pain. My mother was the master of this trick. I imagine anyone reading this that knows her would be in disbelief. I'm sorry, at times the truth is just that painful. I won't go into details. Suffice it to say that I've got wounds. Thankfully, I've learned to release them. I've been working diligently over the past decade, and less formally since the age of 13 when I took a stand against the violence. I've chipped away the layers, and found the centre of me again. That delightfully playful, creative, cheeky little monkey that I was when I was very little. I've found her, and she's amazing! I'm having so much fun getting to know her again.
She has learned from octopus, and I'm sure there is more yet to learn. For now, I'm simply happy to be able to pause, take a breath, become connected and empowered to create the life that I imagine. A life full of meaningful work that lights me up, joyous connection with family and a growing community of friends, amazing guides and teachers, and a future that beacons me forward to take the next step to truly step into all of my brilliance and guide others to do the same.
Thank you to the many teachers that have guided me over the years. Some of you have been mentioned today, others will feature in future issues. There really are too many to mention. The teacher will show when the student is ready. I am ready, and now am connected to a beautiful wise woman teacher of kundalini yoga, Kathy Valler. I've been drawn to this style of yoga as it is the underpinning school beneath SOMA Breath® guided by the catalytic presence of Niraj Naik. I can't wait to discover the next knowledge treasure! I'm also blessed to be brought into the fold of a new circle of women, led by Dawn Marron I can't begin to express how meaningful it is for me to have a sisterhood to be the vessel to carry our sorrows and our triumphs, to raise our voices in song together to connect our hearts to all that is. Thank you for your potent medicine Dawn.
On the left: Shanti soaking in the morning sun. She chirps to the birds daily.
A shout out here to Rose Middleton of Unity Yoga. Rose has been teaching at Koru Studio for the past two years. She has graciously guided me through extraordinarily difficult times. She's been the rock that holds steady in the rushing waters of a raging river. Rose is taking a hiatus as she dreams into her next chapter. It was she that introduced me to this delightful melody that served as a lullaby many a time as I nursed my wounds that had finally risen to the surface in this garden of remembrance and forgetfulness. Thank you Rose, I'm forever grateful to you. I'm excited to see what is ahead for you, no doubt, it will be deeply rooted and grounded.
In the centre: Treasures collected on my wanderings.
On the right: Me with a mask on, this time one done in the name of self love.
One last song:
Thank you for journeying with me. It's been an absolute pleasure. I hope to connect further. If you're a lucky local, you can check out my breathwork sessions.
If this inspired you, perhaps you'd like to walk with me, and to breathe with me. I'll be walking in the dawn light every Sunday. I'm curious to feel into this, and what it might lead to. Please connect to explore a specialised private session that will be guided by your intentions, and led by my wisdom, my many tools, my presence and empathy, and my curiosity, enthusiasm & joy.
One last curiosity (for now):
Would you listen to a radio show featuring songs like these?
I'm down!
I'll pass.
Okay, my curiosity is endless:
What do you want to hear next?
My Whakapapa
Breathwork & Spirituality
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